I am a thinker.
I can be a talker, too – but only under certain circumstances. I am first and foremost a ponderer. A wonderer.
My head-heart connection is very strong. My heart tends to want to lead but then my head steps in and says, “Is that really smart? Maybe we should think about this.” And when my heart gets wrapped up and bumped around and overwhelmed, it is my head that says, “It will be OK.”
Part of this tendency to mull is why I chose GO! as my Word of the Year for 2014. Sometimes I need to stop thinking and just do it already.
My history of being in my own head goes way back. Parenting has only increased my wondering ways.
It started even before I got pregnant.
What would it be like? Would it be uncomfortable?
What about birth? Would it hurt, really? Or were some of those stories exaggerated?
Would I have boys or girls?
The wondering kicked up a notch when I knew they were on the way.
What it would be like to be a mother?
What things would change?
What kind of car seat? What kind of baby wipe, soap, diaper cream?
Would they like me?
I pondered things big and small. (But there is always an element of BIG in the smallest of these early questions, isn’t there?)
Once they arrived, I had a new set of things about which to wonder.
What will they be like? Will they be funny? Goofy? Serious?
Will they be interested in trains? Cars? Outer space? Music? What will light them up?
I wondered what things would capture their imagination.
So much wondering.
You never really know, though. Until you live it. Until you experience and feel and check that box, you don’t know. You can’t know.
We made our way together. They grew and learned and discovered. And I, while still pondering, relaxed and wondered – marveled – at them, at this, at us. Some of the things I questioned came to pass, and others just worked themselves out on their own. Little could I have imagined how much I would grow and learn and discover too.
I had no way of knowing that as I looked on those little babies. The sweet wondering paled against the reality. The real is more exciting, heart-rending, and heart-wrenching than any daydream.
I have come to realize that the wondering never goes away, it just changes.
My wondering has shifted from when they will take their first steps and speak their first sentences to big boy milestones like losing baby teeth and perhaps getting braces.
I think about them both being in school all day next year. What will life look like then?
What will the teen years bring? Once merely some distant future outpost, now they seem just around the corner.
I will probably never stop wondering. Each new stage and age will bring new things to ponder. But now there is acceptance and a peace that comes from living this life and knowing this family.
And my head is usually always there telling my often-sentimental momma heart, “It will all be OK.”
What sort of things did you wonder about in the early days of motherhood? What do you wonder about now?