Wonder

 

I am a thinker.

I can be a talker, too – but only under certain circumstances. I am first and foremost a ponderer. A wonderer. 

My head-heart connection is very strong. My heart tends to want to lead but then my head steps in and says,Is that really smart? Maybe we should think about this.” And when my heart gets wrapped up and bumped around and overwhelmed, it is my head that says, “It will be OK.”

Part of this tendency to mull is why I chose GO! as my Word of the Year for 2014. Sometimes I need to stop thinking and just do it already.

My history of being in my own head goes way back. Parenting has only increased my wondering ways.

It started even before I got pregnant.

What would it be like? Would it be uncomfortable?

What about birth? Would it hurt, really? Or were some of those stories exaggerated? 

Would I have boys or girls? 

The wondering kicked up a notch when I knew they were on the way.

What it would be like to be a mother? 

What things would change?  

What kind of car seat? What kind of baby wipe, soap, diaper cream?  

Would they like me? 

I pondered things big and small. (But there is always an element of BIG in the smallest of these early questions, isn’t there?)

CourageParentingQuote

Once they arrived, I had a new set of things about which to wonder.

What will they be like? Will they be funny? Goofy? Serious?

Will they be interested in trains? Cars? Outer space? Music? What will light them up?

I wondered what things would capture their imagination.

So much wondering.

You never really know, though. Until you live it. Until you experience and feel and check that box, you don’t know. You can’t know. 

We made our way together. They grew and learned and discovered. And I, while still pondering, relaxed and wondered – marveled – at them, at this, at us. Some of the things I questioned came to pass, and others just worked themselves out on their own. Little could I have imagined how much I would grow and learn and discover too.  

I had no way of knowing that as I looked on those little babies. The sweet wondering paled against the reality. The real is more exciting, heart-rending, and heart-wrenching than any daydream. 

SmallLifeCaptains

I have come to realize that the wondering never goes away, it just changes.  

My wondering has shifted from when they will take their first steps and speak their first sentences to big boy milestones like losing baby teeth and perhaps getting braces.

I think about them both being in school all day next year. What will life look like then? 

What will the teen years bring? Once merely some distant future outpost, now they seem just around the corner.

I will probably never stop wondering. Each new stage and age will bring new things to ponder. But now there is acceptance and a peace that comes from living this life and knowing this family.

And my head is usually always there telling my often-sentimental momma heart, “It will all be OK.”

What sort of things did you wonder about in the early days of motherhood? What do you wonder about now? 

Comments Make Me Geek Out

    • says

      There are challenges at every age and stage, aren’t there? I think I must have known that – but maybe not to degree that is the truth.
      The wondering just changes.

  1. says

    I wonder the same things too!
    And now with the twins due in less than 6 months, I wonder lots of things: will I be a good mother to FOUR children? What will the twins be like? How different/ alike will they be? Will their brothers be doting? Just. So. Many. Things. :)
    Alison recently posted..20 Things I Believe InMy Profile

    • says

      There is always so much to wonder about – new things around the corner all the time. One of the things that makes this parenting gig so unpredictable.

  2. says

    I will always wonder about the next stages. And I can totally see how people have more than one kid, and then more than two, etc. It’s like a science experiment! After we had Des, I have become slightly obsessed with the idea of a third, fourth, etc. Only in theory and not practice. What would a third be like? What would he/she look like? Act like?
    It’s only because I have one of each and they do really share a lot of traits..thus far.
    It’s all a part of the wondering, though.
    Tamara recently posted..I Got A Room At The Top Of The World Tonight.My Profile

    • says

      I worry too. And it definitely changed once I had children!
      Thank you so much for linking to your post, Becky – I will head over!

  3. says

    I love this post! I am a wonderer (is that a word?) too. Sometimes I lie next to my boys when they are sleeping and wonder about how they got that big and what they will be and who will they love and what jerks will break their hearts and make them feel sad. Sigh.
    Katie Sluiter recently posted..Not in the GraveMy Profile

    • says

      I think wonderer is a word – despite what spell check has to say about it. :)
      Also, I was totally singing that classic song “The Wanderer” in my head while I was writing this. Except of course, I substituted “wonderer.”
      Parenting is full of wonder and wondering, isn’t it?

  4. says

    I wonder so much. I wonder if I’ll be able raise my kids to teach them to be the best they can be. I wonder if life will be easy or hard for them. I wonder if I am mothering them the best I can. I wonder if I’m screwing them up. I wonder if they’ll love me forever.

    And now, I wonder if I’m neurotic. 😉
    Laura recently posted..The Best MedicineMy Profile

    • says

      I wonder the same things myself – I am always wondering about something. And then I wonder if it is good to be wondering so much. :)

  5. says

    Fantastic quote because it’s so damn true!! I’m a thinker/wonderer too. Too much so (like you) most of the time. I wish there was some way to turn off my brain. On the other hand, it’s fun to play the what if game and where will I/we be this time next year, next week, etc.
    Tonya recently posted..Side By SideMy Profile

    • says

      It is fun to think about those things, isn’t it, Tonya?
      But I, too, wish that I could turn off my brain sometimes – so much wondering is not always relaxing. :)

  6. says

    Oh there’s no “perhaps” about it (from the quote) – ha ha! Currently wondering about the upcoming teen years and how those are gonna go… 😉
    Elaine A. recently posted..Easter EaseMy Profile

  7. says

    Oh yes. I wonder about all of these things all of the time! I’m similarly stuck in my own head most of the time (and also why I choose DO for my word this year. Just do it already!). I always wonder about the next immediate stages as well as the down-the-road stages. So basically I wonder about everything :-)

  8. says

    Oh my goodness I wonder all the time. I used to wonder so much what my little girl’s voice would sound like once she started using it to make words. And now I wonder this and so much more about my little boy.
    Tricia recently posted..Pretty darn perfectMy Profile

  9. says

    I’m also a wonderer. Will they be artists, or work in an office? Will the friends they have today be with them in college and beyond? Will they take my advice and live nearby instead of moving far away as my husband and I did from our families? “Little could I have imagined how much I would grow and learn and discover too.” – yes. Great line. Love this post.
    Andrea recently posted..What Happened Here?My Profile

Trackbacks