A couple of times over the past few days, I have had the chance to get out of the house by myself.
Completely, totally, and utterly.
This does not happen often.
It happens so rarely that one might think that I was reveling in the heady sense of freedom I felt flying away from the nest without one (or both) of my Captains. One might think that I clicked my heels with glee as I considered the possibilities of what time on my own might look like.
You might think that, right?
But what actually was going through my mind the other night as I drove down the street was this:
What’s that sound?
Where is that clicking coming from?
It took me few seconds to realize that the seatbelt buckle was tapping against the side of the car – because its usually occupied seat was vacant.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. There was nothing amiss; I just wasn’t used to hearing these sounds. The car is usually filled with music and laughter and pages turning – seats are full, seat belts on the job.
Then today, Co-Pilot Dad was home so I left Captain Bravo with him while I did the school pick-up, my mind started again:
“Did I forget to turn the dryer off?”
“Is the coffee pot off?”
“The oven. Did I have that on today?”
None of those things were on. I knew that. I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I was forgetting something. Or someone.
Instead of enjoying time on my own – driving in the car with full reign over the tunes – I am concentrating on the weirdness.
I am used to buckling and unbuckling car seat buckles. I listen to children’s music – sometimes I am allowed to sing along. I play I Spy. I answer questions: Which way we are going to turn? Is that left? Why are we not moving?
These things have become such a part of my everyday life that I feel a little lost without them. I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
I think I may have forgotten how to be alone.
I know as the boys grow, it will become less foreign to me.
Someday they will be grown. I will get used to the silence and I won’t feel like I am forgetting someone. Someday I will be alone and it won’t seem strange.
For now, though, there is weirdness.
Does it feel strange for you to be away from your family? Or is there no weirdness for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Linking up for Pour Your Heart Out with Things I Can’t Say today