A couple of times over the past few days, I have had the chance to get out of the house by myself.
Completely, totally, and utterly.
Alone.
This does not happen often.
It happens so rarely that one might think that I was reveling in the heady sense of freedom I felt flying away from the nest without one (or both) of my Captains. One might think that I clicked my heels with glee as I considered the possibilities of what time on my own might look like.
You might think that, right?
But what actually was going through my mind the other night as I drove down the street was this:
What’s that sound?
Where is that clicking coming from?
It took me few seconds to realize that the seatbelt buckle was tapping against the side of the car – because its usually occupied seat was vacant.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. There was nothing amiss; I just wasn’t used to hearing these sounds. The car is usually filled with music and laughter and pages turning – seats are full, seat belts on the job.
Then today, Co-Pilot Dad was home so I left Captain Bravo with him while I did the school pick-up, my mind started again:
“Did I forget to turn the dryer off?”
“Is the coffee pot off?”
“The oven. Did I have that on today?”
None of those things were on. I knew that. I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I was forgetting something. Or someone.
Instead of enjoying time on my own – driving in the car with full reign over the tunes – I am concentrating on the weirdness.
I am used to buckling and unbuckling car seat buckles. I listen to children’s music – sometimes I am allowed to sing along. I play I Spy. I answer questions: Which way we are going to turn? Is that left? Why are we not moving?
These things have become such a part of my everyday life that I feel a little lost without them. I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
I think I may have forgotten how to be alone.
I know as the boys grow, it will become less foreign to me.
One day.
Someday they will be grown. I will get used to the silence and I won’t feel like I am forgetting someone. Someday I will be alone and it won’t seem strange.
For now, though, there is weirdness.
Does it feel strange for you to be away from your family? Or is there no weirdness for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Linking up for Pour Your Heart Out with Things I Can’t Say today
As the parent of a teenager, I long ago became familiar, again, with being alone…during the school day, running errands, etc… and I love it. But what I still find strange is when my son is gone from our home overnight. Perhaps it’s because it hasn’t happened often over the past 16 years (boys don’t seem to be as big into “sleepovers” as I was — I rarely spent a Friday or Saturday night home during my preteen and teen years).
When he is gone overnight, there is an energy that is missing from our home and nothing feels quite right until he’s back home again. When he leaves home for good…. well, I don’t want to think about how weird that will be!!
It is strange when someone in the family is gone overnight – it *is* a different – or missing – energy in the house. I don’t even want to think about the weirdness after they leave home for good yet!
I felt that way so much with my first baby b/c I was rarely away from him. It felt like my arm was missing or something if he wasn’t there with me.
And now, when all three of mine are in school, it does feel weird. Though I’m more used to it now.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: In a Quiet House
I do feel like something is missing when I am alone. I know when my youngest goes to school that I will eventually get used to it, but it will be strange!
I know exactly what you mean! I rarely get to go somewhere without at least one of my 2 little ones. When I do I lose count of how many times I check the backseat in the rearview mirror. I feel like I’ve forgotten something as I climb in and don’t have to buckle 2 car seats… Yes, it is definitely a strange feeling to realize you don’t know how to be alone.
That is it exactly! Glad to hear I am not alone in experiencing the weirdness.
It’s definitely a weird feeling! It was weird when I only had one and that first time I got out of the house without her, when she was two weeks old. I kept feeling like I was forgetting something pretty big – something I carried for nine months. Now that I have two it’s so weird to be by myself in the car and choosing my own music and not getting yelled at for singing too loudly!
Tamara recently posted..Post For a Winter’s Night.
I think that’s it – we are all so interactive in the car that I really notice the difference when it is just me.
Thank you so much for stopping by!
I definitely know exactly what you mean! Especially about being in the car…I do find that being in the car completely alone is strange, especially when it is quiet. Great post.
thedoseofreality recently posted..Never Let Anyone Steal Your Sparkle
I really noticed it then. If I am home alone for a bit I don;t seem to notice it as much – because there is always so much to do there. But in the car, I am just sitting there listening to the quiet.
You are not weird, in fact I’d even venture to say that you’re normal! I love getting out of my house alone but I feel like as soon as I do, I start missing my kiddo!
NJ @ A Cookie Before Dinner recently posted..Random Confessions
It is a strange feeling, isn’t it? I feel like I should be more relaxed, having more fun – instead of missing them and feeling like I am forgetting something.
Thank you so much for stopping by!
I’m pretty used to it now since I have “alone time” three times a week while I’ll of mine are in school. But it can still be strange. It’s pretty easy to handle getting used it though…
I am sure I will get used to it when the time comes. I get accustomed to my constant companions, I guess!
Sometimes I catch myself singing along to the kiddie music in the car EVEN WHEN THEY AREN’T WITH ME!! Then I feel like a huge dork! I also find it funny when we go on long trips and my husbands gets twitchy because he’s not used to all the noise they make in the car. He has a truck, so he rarely gets transportation duties.
Rabia @ TheLiebers recently posted..Ponytail Epiphany
I have done that, too! And my husband has a harder time with noise than I do – I guess I am just used to it!